Gorilla off our back (from October 11, 2009)

Dear Mr. Hewlitt,

I'm celebrating with a bubbly bottle of orange pop! How wonderful to win a game! I didn't have much to do today because we didn't kick off very much so I kinda hung around Coach. There was one point late in the first half that I thought he might be having a stroke. Derek was really struggling and after an incomplete pass-another one-Coach threw his head set down and screamed "I wish Hewlitt was here! He throws better than what we have!"

Doc gave Coach a couple of pills and he calmed down, but from his reaction, he has a lot of respect for your ability.

 

No time to savor this clubbing of the Bills. We need to get ready to go to Pittsburgh next week. I know they are worried about us.

 

Your friend

 

Sean O'Grady

 

PS When we fly we put protection around all of our important stuff so it doesn't get damaged. Coach says that you have to put bubble wrap around your head-is that true?

Need some advice on life (from October 8, 2009)

Dear Mr Hewlitt,

I need some help from a man who has been around some and since COach says that you are around the bend, I'll ask you.

Bambi and I are talking about becoming engaged but she has some requests. Though she loves football, she doesn't want to marry me if I'm going to spend 10 years with the Browns. She says that she doesn't want to wear a bag over her head to go to the grocery store. And she wants me to find a good job-but we have had trouble comming up with careers that I am qualified for that are more respectable than playing for the Browns. She says that she probably won't be able to work at Hooters after we start a family, so this is a big choice. So far, we have thought about being a shoe salesman, a janitor, a garbage man, the guy who services porta pottys-we thought about painting, but Bambi thinks that might be too technical for me and too classy for her.

 

But the job that we both agree might be perfect is radio producer. I like music. I can dial a phone. And I like to sit around and eat. Coach says that you often say you don't have a producer. Would you like to hire me?

 

Your Friend

 

Sean O'Grady

Tough weekend (from October 5, 2009)

Dear Mr. Hewlitt,

Wow! We got so close against those Bengals. I got a promotion from carrying Coach's cables. I got to run across the field and pick up the tee after the kickoffs. That was a lot of pressure, but I didn't get in anybodys way and Coach said I did a good job-though I've noticed that he has been drinking quite a bit. Do you think his job would lead a man to drink?

We heard a story about Braylon hitting a little guy who happened to be a friend of LeBron James. I have a hard time believing the story because Braylon is so uncoordinated that I don't think he could hit anything. I know he can't catch anything.

I've gotta go-I am assigned to watch over Brady Quinn. He has pitched a tent next to the Touchdown Bernie statue and just sits there all evening just staring at Bernie. I'm a little worried but Bambi said that Catholics take a lot of comfort in statues.

Coach said your throat hurts-Iron CIty Beer always helps me feel better-why don't you have a few.

Your friend

Sean O'Grady

Rough day of practice (from September 29, 2009)

Dear Mr Hewlitt,

Its been a little scary here the last couple of days. Coach seems to have forgotten his blood pressure medication and his eyes remind me of Marty Feldman. On top of the fight with buckets of ice last week, we played a horrible game on Sunday. Brady looked as confused as I was when in my 4th year when I had a final exam on the Little Engine That Could-that was a tough read. The Ravens came at us like a Democrat congressman trying to co- sponsor a tax hike. And we reacted like a Senator from Maine. It was ugly.

So today, all we did was a drill. Coach had us divide into teams and placed parts of each team at each goal line and the 50 yard line. Then he gave  each team a spoon and several buckets of ice cubes. We spent 4 hours running relays with an ice cube in the spoon up and down the field. I don't know what the point was-we won't block or tackle any better. But right now I'm willing to drink warm Orange soda cause I don;t want to see any more ice cubes.

Bambi says hey to you classy wife.

Your friend

Sean O'Grady

Colorados purty (from September 19, 2009)

Dear Mr. Hewlitt,

Coach picked me to come with the team to handle his wires again. Its not as much fun as playing, but its important to the team and I'm not sore on Monday.

This place is sure pretty. These mountains are a tad bigger than the hills down around Salineville or even the old mountains over around Pittsburgh. I wonder if the Broncos need an undersized nose tackle?

I was excited when Coach said you were going to be here tomorrow. If you get a chance to come down to the field, would you mind giving me a holler? I'm in awe of how good you talk and would be honored to meet you. And, Bambi asked me to get an autograph from Mrs. Hewlitt. She's heard how pretty and classy she is. If you have an autographed picture of Mrs. Hewlitt, I bet Bambi could put it up over the cash register at Hooters.

Time for our Orange meal. Hope to see you tomorrow

Sean O'Grady

First game (from September 15, 2009)

Dear Mr. Hewlitt,

Wow was it exciting to be at our home opener! I didn't get to dress out but wa the man behind the man. I was in charge of making sure that Coach didn't strangle himself with all the communication cables during the game. There was a lot of stress because he is Italian and tends to gesture and move around a lot. But we survived. Sorry the game turned out bad-ol Brady forgot our "orange" drills a couple of times and threw it to the Purple guys. But it was a hoot-Bambi got to sit near the Brownettes and she was wearing he Hooters shirt to support the team.

Coach and I lifted weights today. He was telling me what a powerful family you have here in CLeveland. I did'nt know Shifty Hewlitt as your Uncle! I love his bail bonds ads on TV. And cousin Angus is the local head of the SEIU? He has figured out how to rake off a quarter for every beer sold at the Stadium-he's living large. And I guess you remember Cousin Timmy Hewlitt? Coach says he is the head of a group called ACORN-doesn't sound like BUCKEYES or IRISH. Anyway, his job is to set up what Coach calls Happy Houses. I don't know what they are, but Coach says they do real well. Its nice you have such a great family-you must be real proud.

We will do better next week, we have to

Your friend

Sean O'Grady

Cuts are out (from September 4, 2009)

Dear Mr. Hewlitt,

Today was a real tough day. Coach called me into his office and told me that I was a great kid, a hard worker and since I'm from Salineville, I was a local hero. But, then he asked me to turn in my playbook. So, I took the one page they gave me with a picture of me and an arrow to the Quarterback and gave it to him. I spent hours studying that-and Bambi really helped me with it. Coach said that since Cleveland has got a lot of liberal fans, they can only have so many Irish guys on the team. And he said that it wouldnt be fair to cut Brady Quinn because he has memorized 3 whole pages of the playbook.

Now I'm waiting to find out if I can be on the practice squad. All they have to do is be blocking and tackling dummies for the real players. Heck, the way these guys hit, its like stealing money. And the salary for practice guys is even more than they paid me at Noter Dame. I'm hopin it works out cause Bambi just took a job at Hooters in Warren and I would really like to court and spark her some more. Hope all this was too technical for you, Coach says that you are a real neat guy but you don't get football too well.

 

Your friend

 

Sean O'Grady